Do you struggle over what to get people for Christmas or Hannukah? It is a difficult time of year, filled with difficult people, but if you make time to pause in your armchair, and take an internet excursion, you can find the perfect gifts to make the season merrier for you.
If your employees expect an annual bonus, then this year, write a cheque and place it inside a ‘Trick Wooden Puzzle Box’. “The puzzle is to open the puzzle box.” Naturally, “if they can’t do the puzzle, they can’t have the gift”. (http://tinyurl.com/yfmmotr)
If you have been acting for a valued client in a family law dispute that just will not settle, try giving a ‘Peacemaker Toilet Seat Lifter’. The device “gives you effortless control of that tremendously heavy and difficult-to-lift toilet seat by using a foot switch that raises the seat as you approach the john and lowers it back down when you’re through”. (http://tinyurl.com/yk6d57o)
If you are a junior lawyer trying to get up in the world, you could look to a more traditional gift – give your supervising partner a home-made voucher for your personal services. Something like: ‘This entitles the bearer to one free back rub (or equivalent)’ could give your career, and partner, a much-needed boost.
Or, if you would like to give a present that involves a labour of love, but keeps you at an arm’s length from the recipient, you could try giving some home-made ink. First, gather some ‘lawyer’s wig’ mushrooms (Coprinus comatus). “Quite unmistakable … pure white at first but soon tinted with ochre, [these] quick-maturing mushrooms [are] often found in clusters growing … by compost or rubbish heaps.” (http://tinyurl.com/yfvjbt2)
Simply leave the mushrooms in a cauldron for several days to allow the mushrooms to liquefy, and then pour off the liquid and use it for ink. “Note: this ink is less permanent than some of the others, but is easy to produce.” (http://tinyurl.com/y9xqgow) Perfect for signing contracts!
If your boss is a bully (and whose isn’t it, these days?), perhaps consider an ‘Annoya-tron’. “With its thin design and embedded magnet for easy hiding, [it] can be placed in a variety of locations … The Annoy-atron generates a short (but very annoying… ) beep every few minutes. Your unsuspecting target will have a hard time ‘timing’ the location of the sound because the beeps will vary in intervals ranging from two to eight minutes. The 2kHz sound is generically annoying enough, but if you really really want to aggravate somebody, select the 12kHz sound. Trust us.” A user reports: “I have watched this simple device transform an (until-now) mild-mannered colleague into a spitting, cussing, paranoid lunatic … this tiny little device helped me break a co-worker’s mind, and I thank you for the sinfully pleasurable schadenfreude.” (http://tinyurl.com/yddvoh9)
But if you are the boss, and have just landed some juicy legal work with the latest sale of publicly-owned assets, why not reward the relevant government minister with an appropriate gift: a trip to outer space. For only $20 million, Space Adventures will take the minister on an outer space adventure. For half the price, you might be able to do us all a favour and make it a one-way trip. (http://tinyurl.com/yzqrzrn)
Sick of Kris Kringle? Perhaps consider a ‘Decoy Gift Box’ that looks like a real present, but is nothing more than an empty box. The Onion offers gift boxes for a ‘USB Toaster’, ‘Coffee Mug Walkie Talkies’ and ‘A Noggin Net’ – a fishing net that doubles as a hat. “No, the products aren’t real. But the empty boxes are … watch their faces fall when they realise there is no such thing…”. (http://tinyurl.com/yj37jed)
If you are doing some estate-planning work for a client who is worried about the impact of judgment day on their pets, you could subscribe them to ‘Eternal Earth Bound Pets’. This service promises that when your client ascends to heaven, their pets will be cared for by an atheist stuck behind on Earth. The service anticipates “widespread chaos and confusion … that could impact travel times” but targets “18-24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.” There is no refund if your client is ‘left behind’. (http://tinyurl.com/lf6cg8).